Exhausting

Parenting is exhausting. I know what you're thinking - I'm an idiot for even saying that. But it is, and I don't mean in the traditional hard work sense - although of course that is true. I mean mentally and emotionally exhausting.

I've been a parent for four and a half years by now and by the standards of most jobs you'd think I might be getting a handle on it by now, I might feel confident in the basic skills to make it happen. But to be honest, my parenting so far has been a very long line of decisions made in the heat of the moment with little preparation or knowledge. Every minute of every day is about deciding to say yes or no. How to say yes or no. Act or walk away. Encourage or discourage. And I'd say at best I probably make the 'right' choice about half of the time. Maybe. 

There is nothing worse than ending a day with B and G and looking back over the moments when I wasn't patient, when I didn't step back and let them work it out alone, when I didn't intervene or did and wishing I could start over again. 

What I'm looking for is a way for someone to look into the future and reassure me that my myriad mistakes are not messing up my kids too badly. That with each bad decision I manage to claw back enough little victories to balance it all out. Most days I'm ambling along and the big questions - like this one - don't bother me. But sometimes the overwhelming enormity of caring for my kids, and managing my own hopes and dreams for them makes my head hurt.  I know kids are resilient, I know they will be what they will be but that doesn't stop me wishing there was a foolproof system to get this, my most important job, right.

One day, when you read back over the neurotic ramblings of your mother, maybe with a newborn baby puking down your back you'll understand all of this Brodie and Grier. None of us have any clue what we're doing, but keep going anyway.