Crazy

My boy is going to be five tomorrow and I'm a little afraid my crazy is showing. 

I'm having some kind of post partum flashback. When Brodie was a tiny baby we both struggled with adjusting to our new togetherness. He seemed to hate being outside of the womb and if I'm honest I often longed for a time when he was back in there silent and safe. But slowly and surely we found our way. And now he is my right hand (little) man. 

I cannot tell you much I enjoy his company, that even though he talks all day long I'm always interested in what he's going to say next. Every time he learns something new he doesn't just remember it or retain it he actually lives it. He carries it with him and uses it to build another bridge, make another connection and learn something new. He's freaking incredible.

That's not to say it's all unicorns and rainbows around here, how could it be? We still have sorry to say, mistakes to make and meltdowns to navigate. 

Turning five seems so big and such a milestone. I can't help but think back to how I unsure I was five years ago, how difficult it all seemed, how crushingly huge the responsibility was. But now I know, without a shadow that all I needed to do was love him with everything I have. The good, the bad and the rest. Allowing my tiny baby to love me in the only way he knew, which was relying on me completely was all I needed to work out this mothering thing. His dependency on me gave me confidence, helped me make good decisions more often than not and showing my crazy to my newborn son healed parts of me that I had no idea needed sticking back together.

I had no idea that would happen.

And every birthday or 'big' moment I feel those wobbles again. I feel like I'm not going to manage to grow and stretch to make room for the changes. But I do, and I will, and he's five.

Like the sentimental old fools we are Greig and I have been looking though old videos and if I was to post all of my favourites you'd be here for hours. But I can't resist this from the week after Grier was born - he's 2 and a half. I just showed him this clip and he giggled and giggled and giggled. I should probably add subtitles for those not from central Scotland but basically he says he likes eating and racing and reading and eating and computers and eating. So not much change there then!