This post has been in my draft folder for nearly 2 months. I wasn't sure when I wrote it if I would ever post it because I don't like to bare my weaknesses to the world via the internet. I don't like admitting that I'm struggling or even worse I don't ever want anyone to think I don't love my children to the ends of the earth.
So imagine if you will, a mother at the end of her rope. The baby is overtired and inconsolable. The big kids are playing harmoniously (what?). The mother paces desperately. What can she do?
Of course, drag everyone out in the freezing cold, nearly dark, drizzly evening for an enforced march to the park. That's perfectly sensible.
Never mind that the kids have wellies on the wrong feet and that Grier is still dressed as a princess, complete with tiara. Never mind that my eyes are red and swollen with tears which just keep rolling down my cheeks even though I'm now out in public and clearly look like a mad woman.
Never mind that when we get to the park, Brodie is wheezy, the swings and slide are too wet to use and the baby is still awake although has blissfully halted crying briefly. The kids stand about, hands in pockets. Not quite sure what one does in the park in the cold and the dark. They play with the swings until Grier gets hit in the face on the return. I console her while crying quietly on her shoulder. Marvelling at the stupidity of the idea, how futile life can feel when things are hard and wishing to be back on the sofa cup of tea in hand.
So I decided to post this anyway. Tonight was the end of a really tough week. I'm tired, so very tired. The building work is dragging. I have consistently made mountains from mere molehills and couldn't see the wood for the trees. I also want anyone else who's ever had this kind of day or week or even month when everything gets completely overwhelming to know that I've got your back. Even now, an hour after a complete meltdown aimed at poor, unsuspecting Greig I feel silly and emotional and even more exhausted than before. I know that my kids won't remember the days when the going was tough but I will. And I am defiant in my right to say that sometimes this is really, really hard, and admitting that I'm having a tough time doesn't make me weak it makes me human.